Why aren't I asleep right now

I can't sleep with you next to me. I can't look at you. All your mean words keep floating through my head. It's literally the worst feeling ever. I've never felt so worthless so numb. How can you say what you said to someone who you claim was the love of your life? I'm so confused I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear I wish I didn't exist. That you hadn't come and turned my life upside down. But I like it, so much I like it. The way my life is with you. How easy it is to laugh and smile and be happy. But it's a lie a joke for you. You felt bad for me. For the ugly girl. The slut. If only you had known, you wouldn't have ever talked to me. I'm sorry. For fucking up your life just like I fuck up everything else.